I Made A Choice
June 2020 was challenging for me. It was amazing, and awful, and it hurt, and it felt great, and it was short, but was also painfully long. I had major mental wins, and major mental losses. There were battles happening within me, battles that I had zero control over.
God tested me. He threw curveball after curveball - testing me with each new throw. Did I pass the test? Well, I don’t know. I probably won’t know until I get to heaven’s gate. However, I did gain wisdom and understanding. I learned a lot about people, the world, and myself. I know that the reason behind it all is that I finally started to really SEEK God - and with that comes discipline and challenges and tests and wisdom and understanding.
Let me set some things straight before I dive in - This is not a pity party. This is not to gain attention. This is not a bash Katlyn or those involved in these situations. This is me opening up, sharing my hardships, and shining light on what I have learned through my challenges. Please keep a hold of grace, love, and understanding as you read on.
When we graduate high school, and are released into the real adult world, life changes drastically. Especially in the aspect of who we surround ourselves with. Drifting from friends and completely changing your friend group is normal. Friends move away, you lose contact, the things/hobbies you had in common disappear, your views on life point in different directions, etc. I have learned, and am still learning, that this is normal.
Things change. People grow. Life steers its course. It just happens.
I drifted from my closest friends this past year. Friends I had through middle school and high school. Friends who knew everything about me. Friends I swore I would hold close for life. They con
\fronted me about it - and had already come to the conclusion we would no longer be friends.
We drifted, and I lost them.
That hurts, and it hurts deep. I spent days trying to figure out how they could possibly say what they did. I spent days blaming them for kicking me out, for shunning me. I spent days crying and being angry at them. I literally asked God (for the first time in my life), “WHY?! Why me, God? What did I do to deserve this?!” This exact moment is when I realized I had some self-reflecting to do.
I realized that something went wrong, and I was more than likely the root of it.
I took a couple days to myself and prayed, read my bible, and listened to podcasts. I even picked up a journal and started writing all my emotions out on paper. One of those nights, I was writing - exploding with sadness, anger, and confusion. I just went on and on, and wrote every word that popped into mind. I poured myself out. Then, I prayed over what I wrote - journal open, pen in hand.. I prayed.
Next thing I knew, I was typing out a message to my ex-friends. A message filled with emotion - but, anger was not one of them. I bursted with understanding, love, and a little sadness.
I dug deep into myself that night.
I had not been the greatest friend. However, I had not yet admitted that to myself, or to them. But this night, I did. I admitted to them that I lacked understanding, that I was not present in our relationships, that I was not emotionally or physically available for them as they deserved. I apologized, sincerely - and I showed them love when I thought all I had was anger.
Friends, this was the Holy Spirit. He grabbed my steering wheel that night and drove me right into His light. He held my hand as I admitted my internal flaws to myself. He guided my heart while I wrote them this message.
This has been the most challenging chapter in my life this far, solely because I had to admit difficult truths to myself. I was not the person I thought I was, or that I wanted to be. The view I had of myself was not accurate with my actions. I took this opportunity to be the new me, to be the Katlyn that now walks with God, to be the woman I know I can be.
I chose to truly live a life with grace and love.
Now, the way they handled this situation was extremely painful. It hurt me so deeply, so emotionally. However, God has allowed me to forgive them - for my own sake. He has been with me as I grow and has taken each step alongside me. I know that He will continue to be by my side, and that I will continue to walk with Him. I also know that He is not done testing me, and that there are more hardships to overcome.
With Him, I am ready.